Safe Distance

I’m running away from you, taking all the chances of leaving you, of forgetting you, to a safe distance where you can never hurt me again.

I have played my part in this allegory that only told of your absence, of you wanting to prove that I was wrong all this time, when in fact I have done nothing to your impending crisis. My part has seen the curtain close, and that I think was enough, for me.

I am tired of looking around, wondering what I must do and who I am meant to be, for me, for you. What I hold on to, and the only thing that I must not depart with, is this modicum respect for myself and for you. I have given up of understanding you amidst the confusion in my life, in your life. Maybe it is time for me to think about me, considering you have played over and over, in my thoughts, in my words since we met. And from such time I have forgotten that I have a life to live on my own, which incessantly gets no relief from you and that I need to help myself, now.

The way I defined you on the first day has changed the way I define you now. I don’t think I can even define you now, much more identify with. From where I stand, which haven’t changed much, you have bended many boulevards and fooled many dark alleys that I may never find my way to you again.

But I have also not failed to see that what you have now is consummate joy, fulfillment, warmth. Maybe that is what your goodbye was all about, now as I understand it. Maybe that is what made me matter so little and not enough afterall. But let me tell you that there is no hatred in this heart, but only alterations of sadness, that what you have exactly predicted has happened; disbanded reality that nothing is perfect in this world and that all that I have are falling meteors; and that I have let you hurt me and nobody’s sorry.

Safe distance — that feeling of absolute attachment to oneself that existence is strictly defined only by that exact moment: when you are equilibrated on the border of not thinking yet thinking, when you are devoid of any scurf of emotion but only believed that all the hurt and the joys have conspired to bring you to that exact moment, to that exact time when you realize you have made it somehow.

That is my safe distance. And you have showed me time and again that it must be away from you.