My 2006 Christmas

This is the second time I am not going home for Christmas. Yes, it is sad but there is always that getting-used-to-it part to console me.

The first time was five Christmases ago. It was also the first Christmas my father would not be spending with us because he spent it with the angels in heaven. And since then, Christmas has lost its meaning in me, that particular definition of Christmas when family gathers and the house is full of rambunctious kids all-over. Because it is my fact, and there is no consolation, that my family will never be complete again.

And true enough, even if I come home this year, one of my brothers will not be with us anyway. So technically, we are not complete. And besides, we are all grown-ups already, so there will be no rambunctious kids all-over.

But Christmas such as this is one that I will never forget for a long time. When the whole world has their reasons for celebrating the Season with their family, I, on the other hand contemplate on my personal struggle to at least match the happiness of my vicinity. After the whole experience, I am able to know myself more and the things that make me happy, even just for the moment.

It doesn’t help that I was once a Christmas person. That is because I had the best childhood Christmas memories to remember. I was the one who builds the Christmas tree at home and wraps gifts for everyone. When I was ten, I had the record of buying gifts for everyone at home, even those who were not on my lists like my mom’s inaanak who visited without notice on Christmas day. I was also the one who has control at the menu for the Noche Buena and the kind of firecrackers to buy for the New Year.

The bottom line of all of this is the fact that Christmas is just for the kids in us, or more personal way of saying it— for the kid in me. But I am afraid that I have lost that cute child inside of me who loves Christmases and builds Christmas trees and wraps gifts. The mere reason now why I love Christmas is because it is cold and I can sleep until noon without the discomfort of a tropical country and that the skies are blue.

So what exactly makes me temporarily happy this Christmas?

It is that little joy of knowing I am alive to celebrate it, although very alone and the fact that I have more reasons now to not to end-up alone celebrating Christmases later in life.